


Lost Inside

by BloodySnowhite



Category: One Piece
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, Real Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-16
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-01 23:14:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5224700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodySnowhite/pseuds/BloodySnowhite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Kidd ...,” he whispered his name with a broken sounding voice. The pain in his chest grew. Each time he thought about him, this heart tightened, little needles pierced through him, until the pressure got too strong, his legs unable to carry the heavy weight. Peaceful days appeared before his inner eye. The days, when everything was in order and he had yet not fallen in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Mehh ... First story and already too lazy to write a summary. Nice wok attitude. Well, whatsoever.  
> Anyway, welcome dear reader. Nice to have you here. This is my first story, eh ... or not. Let's just say this is my first fanfiction.  
> So ... yeah, I am getting tired of this s ... weet sugar, so let's just get started. Have Fun!

It was dark. Pitch black. The steady beat of a heart was all he could hear, warm flesh pressed against flesh was all he could feel. He took a deep breath, taking in the scent surrounded him. An arm was wrapped around him protective, keeping him safe, a shelter against everything bad.

It was odd. Odd that he, Trafalgar Law, was feeling so comfortable around the other one. Odd that he had let him be his shield. Utterly insane that he had allowed himself to fall in love with this man. It almost made no sense. “There are things in life you will never be able to understand.” A voice had once told him a long time ago. The face barley a memory, but the words echoed through his heart, never had been forgotten. And it was true. He experienced it at first hand, being thrown in a situation, which he could not control and he would never be able to understand completely. Life had thrown this at him. Those words rolled off of the tip of a tongue. The words that change his life forever. 

A strand of his hair was brushed away before two hands cupped his face gently, the forehead of the other one pressed against his. “I am sorry,” a voice whispered, a sadness swung in its tone. Trafalgar knew the other man meant it. Meant it truly from the bottom of his heart. He really did, but it would not change a thing. It would not make him feel better. He did not answer, instead their lips crashed together in a breathtaking kiss. It conveyed everything that could not be said with words. Things that none of them would consciously admit to another soul. When they parted, the strong arms, which were holding him until now, shielded him and gave him shelter, dropped. 

“Law,” the other man whispered his name, the familiar syllables rolling off of the tongue in a way that would never be used again. Yellow eyes looked at him, deep into his soul. It was silent, but the words hung between them did not need to be said or to be heard. A last small smile, then the other man turned around. Walked away but he, himself, did not follow. He just watched the silhouette slowly disappear in the darkness. It was pitch black and a silent tear rolled down his cheek.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Too much free time and no hobbies made this possible ...  
> And I even wrote more than I planned to. Ha! That's the spirit! Enjoy!

Breathing heavily and his eyes wide opened, he woke up, pulled into reality. With frightened face, Law sat up and ran a hand through his sweaty hair. A few seconds later however, cold realization crept into his eyes and he pulled his legs up close to his body, hugged them to his chest and put his head down on his knees. “Stop …,“ he mumbled. Since weeks now (or was it months?) he had this dream. Over and over. Again and again. A dream he could not process, no, refused to read correctly. He was not yet ready to work through the incident, the one thing he did not want to think about.

A hot tear rolled down his face, but was wiped away immediately afterwards. “Let me forget … ,” he whispered softly with a deep bitterness in it. Ever since the day, when his heart was shattered into tiny little pieces, a part deep inside of him got lost. Crushed in a way, which made it impossible for him to sleep properly. Or socialize. He avoided contact with people, cutting his ties with his former friends. Every word of others was a hollow sound anyway, ringing in his ears, refusing to form a proper meaning. There was only one person, who could have get him out of his rigidity, who was able to make him feel again, live again, but he was alone. Abandoned.

“Forever ...,” he whispered to himself, finally raising his head. His eyes were burning but he suppressed the subsequent tears. Suppressed the pain. He glanced at his alarm clock. Almost 2:00 clock ... He briefly closed his eyes. Immediately he felt the gentle touches on his skin. The passionate kisses on his lips. The strong arms embracing him. And then he saw his back. Looking after him, while he left Law behind. Every day the deep hole in his chest opened up, letting out his painful memories of him. When was the last time he actually didn't wake up, sobbing and screaming? Was there even a time? He could not remember. 

He glanced at the door, unsure if he would make it. If he had the energy to get up and actually walk over there. A little shaky he put his feet on the floor and arose. Slowly he made his first slow step, his body trembling. Another, then another and before he knew it he dragged his body to the light switch on the other side. Almost as if it was natural. Reaching his limit, he grabbed the wall in front of him, holding himself on his feet, avoiding to crush on the hard ground. 

'Even now ... it won't ... stop ...', went through his head.. A wounded smile played on his lips as he pressed the light switch, before he slightly leaned his head against the cool, white-painted wall. “Memories to remember, to never be forgotten ...,” Law mumbled with a semi-choked voice. Clenching hands, he fully leaned against the wall, finally allowing tears again, pressed but faint sobs escaping his lips. 

“Kidd ...,” he whispered his name with a broken sounding voice. The pain in his chest grew. Each time he thought about him, this heart tightened, little needles pierced through him, until the pressure got too strong, his legs unable to carry the heavy weight. Peaceful days appeared before his inner eye. The days, when everything was in order and he had yet not fallen in love. 

He lifted his clenched fist and stroke it with full force against the wall, leaving him with aching knuckles. The disturbing sound of crackling finally broke him out of it. “Why did I tell him?! Why couldn't I keep it to myself?” he shouted frantically, sobbing following, the tears blurring his vision increasingly. 

Like every day, he only was able to regain control for only short moments, before he gave into the sorrow again. Let it take over. Suddenly he lost all strength in his legs and slid down. Left alone with his thoughts he leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes; slowly drifting away ...


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a lazy bigfoot. I know, I am sorry, okay?  
> Thank you very much for you comment Mary_Nine. It is very much appreciated.  
> You do not have to worry, I will end this story it just may take a while, due to limited time but I will finish it.  
> Why do I answer a comment in the chapter notes? Because I can. Leave me alone.

Those words. The words he always wanted to hear; believed would mean everything to him, would fix his broken soul, instead those very words plunged deep into Law's heart, settling at the bottom like a heavy weight. Not knowing what to do, he simply didn't react, didn't bother to reply; he just remained silent. Kidd waited, a look of masked sorrow on his face.  
  
Law closed his eyes. He knew Kidd never lied. He was the most honest man he knew, but there was still an unshakable question he felt compelled to inquire about. “Are you sure you mean it?” he asked with a flatly voice, his face a cold mask. “Yeah,” the other one replied resolutely without a trace of hesitation, taking a step closer to him.  
  
Law couldn't bring himself to look at the other man's face, afraid of what he would find. It took him by surprise when he suddenly felt warm fingers ever so gently brushed against his cheek; leaving a hot gaze on his skin. Law slowly cracked his eyes open, widening as he took in the nearness of the other man. For a second he considered to pull away, to get away from him but the look Kidd gave him send a pleasant shiver through his body and stopped him in his movement.  
  
Strong hands cupped his face, holding him tight in position. Neither he nor the redhead twitched a muscle, they just stood there, face to face, taking in the atmosphere. After moments of silence, Law finally found enough courage to look up, only to find his counterpart staring down, inches away from him. “May I?” Kidd asked with a whisper, unconsciously lowering his gaze to his lips. Law averted his eyes, unable to bring himself to speak, unable to move; he just stood there, at total loss what to do.  
  
“Law,” Kidd breathed, the puff of air from his mouth circling his lips warmly, then finally no longer waiting for an answer he leaned forward and clumsy pressed his lips against Law's. It wasn't stellar, in fact, it was practically the furthest thing from great a kiss could get, but that was not how it felt to him. To Law, Kidd's kiss felt sweet and honest, completely heartfelt. This kiss was Eustass Kidd.  
  
In a few heartbeats, while the soft lips of the redhead moved against his, their bodies compressed against each other, he knew it. Deep in his heart he knew it all along, felt it when they first met, but refused to acknowledge it. He had allowed himself to fall in love; allowed this, the greatest love he would ever have in his life.

***

He missed it. Being held in the arms of the only man he had ever loved, made him feel alive and cherished. The way he would look at him through to his soul; the way he touched and held him made his spirit burn, igniting a passion in his heart that threatened to consume him. He made him feel special, made him feel loved. He tried to quell the sudden burning in his heart. The passion and love was still there, but all it did was cause him pain.  
  
It was all gone. The warmth around his heart vanished; the feelings of safety and comfort disappeared as if they never existed and he was back. Pulled into reality, where he still sat on the floor, crouched against the wall. His eyes began to burn again, when it came back at him but this time he didn't fight it. He let the tears run down his face, let them drip of his chin as they fell and hit the ground.


	4. Chapter 4

His body felt stiff, like an engine that hadn't been oiled. Law could practically imagine what rusty hinges would have felt like. It wasn't comfortable in the least, but expected. Black rings edged his tired eyes; a proof that he didn't sleep well. He felt older.

Slowly, he finally got back onto his feet and toddled with heavy steps out of the room, letting his legs carry him through the house.  
He remembered the day. Remembered how bright the red hair looked under the sun, how fascinated he was by the color of the fire and how he had to stop himself from reaching out and running his fingers through it. 

The way he walked beside him, a bit slower than his usual hurried gait so that he'd fall into step with him, and the way he turned back and grinned at him when he realized he was falling behind despite his efforts. He didn't know he had such a disarming smile; which was exactly one of the reasons why it was. Law had always loved Kidd's smile. It was like the sun, warm, strong, gentle, and sometimes burning. The sight always left Law speechless in its brilliance. Then again, he was always a sight to behold; smiling or otherwise.

Even now, when he walked down the hall, his smell reached him; the ghost of that damn smell is both like salvation and torture. It surrounded him in such a way that for a moment, he was absolutely certain that if he turned around he would be there, smirking at him like he always did. The image had been burned into his memory so clearly that without any difficulty he always was able to recall it no matter the time. 

He braced himself for another session of sorrow as he made his way through the house, down the hall. A wave of pain went through his chest but he kept walking. He lowered his gaze, staring at the floor, trying to avoid to greet the spot that changed his life; avoiding the moment his memories would take over and he would hear him, hear his voice, but as much as he tried to avoid it, reality always slipped through him. Leaving him with his hopes that never would become true.

He felt someone grabbing him, felt the touch; the one and only touch that send an electric shock through him as if he was tasered. He stopped, unable to move another inch. He didn't dare to look. If this was in his head, if this was nothing but his hopes, a wish; he didn't want to know. The hollowness inside him was at his limit, any more of this would swallow him up until there would be nothing left of him. There was only so much devastation he could bear before he broke.

He remembered when a ray of the sunlight hit the walls around him, making them shine in a bright yellow. The same yellow like his eyes. He remembered the million emotions shining in his eyes when he smiled softly at him. His lips on his, feeling as if it was like coming home, like drinking ice-cooled water in the desert. The moments they spent away from each other didn't exist because they were in a timeless place, where were nothing but them, drowning in an ocean of endless pleasure.

Subconsciously he led his hand to his lips and began to tremble when he manifested the image of Kidd before his eyes. The blood in his veins seemed to convert to ice very slowly; easy to be shattered at any moment. He wrapped his arms around his chest, around the part where once his heart had beaten but now only a gaping hole existed, causing him more pain with every passing hour. He hugged himself tighter; as if he could press out the darkness deep within him.

He took a deep breath to build enough strength to force the agony away, finally he had the power and the courage to look up, but what met him was not what he expected. Instead of an empty spot, where his former lover would have been, he stared right into his own, cheerless eyes.

What he could see in the mirror was a reflection that looked like him. The reflection had the same shade of black hair, the same fair skin tone, the same ruddy cheeks, but it wasn't him, at least not in a figurative sense. The reflection had a sorrowful, painful looking frown instead of his usual expression. The eyes were bloodshot and damp, very dissimilar from his usual eyes which showed almost no emotions. His face was red and his cheeks streaked with dried tears. 

He let out a shaky sight, pressing his unsteady fingers to his reflections face. He pressed his forehead against the cold mirror, staring deep into the despaired eyes. His body started to quiver as it was racked with an unshakable sadness; the feeling of despondency seemed to be ubiquitous within him. He turned away from the mirror, morose and disgusted by the reflection. With shaky steps he walked away from the mirror, away from himself and his memories, leaving an empty hall behind.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I am too stupid to spell Kid right ... I hope it is not all too bad.  
> And sorry for the short chapter. Had a lot to do. The next one will be longer again.

There were painful stabs of hunger, that his demanding body sent out now and then; a feeling he could not satisfy. Nothing looked appealing to him; his appetite was none-existent. In the end even if he would eat something to silence the growling organ; one bite out of anything eatable, would not stay down. His body craved it, but he could feel the food turning and twisting inside him, making him sick. 

Slowly he collapsed on his knees, simply sitting on the kitchen floor with a growling stomach, accompanied with endless agony.  
He had no strength left; with each passing day, it was more difficult to get up and sometimes there was a day he just wanted to lie in his bed, to simply stay put and let the world pass by. Weak and broken he took each day as it came, getting tired with each passing hour.

He dug his nails into his upper arms, clung them deep into his skin, advancing to his flesh.  
He closed his eyes slowly when the fatigue overcame him; a fatigue that bored within him since the day, draining his body and soul. His love for Kidd was killing him slowly but surely. He could not stand it, the pain that stabbed him like little needles, punctured his chest, eating his soul like acid.

He wanted to see 'it', he really did, but he feared he could not bear the sight, could not stand in front of it without collapsing. Why was he still trying to live, when there was no world without him? Not for Law. His world collapsed long time ago, and it could not be rebuild. There were only ruins covered in dust, decaying more with each passing day. With motionless face he remained there, lying on the ground, having no sense of time, lost in his own thoughts and emotion, before the ringing of a phone pulled him back out of his depression.

First, he didn't move. He just stared at the little electronic device that vibrated and blinked, telling him to pick it up. The sound that escaped his phone was familiar but he could not relate it with anything. He picked the song long time ago, where he still had a reason for it being special, but now he could not remember; unable to remember its meaning. 

“Shut up,” he whispered, his voice rusty as if it was not used in years. He plead for the melody to stop, that the other one on the other side would hang up but it did not stop. The melody just kept continuing, boring itself into his ear before something inside him snapped.

His whole body shook when he got onto his feet, his breath getting faster. “Shut up,” he repeated louder, a unknown strength taking over his body. With seeping rage he maneuvered himself to the dining table, his eyes set on the with weak dust covered phone, before he grabbed it, squeezing it roughly in his hands. “Shut up!” he screamed full of anger. The echo of a crack was all left behind, before silence took over.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas everyone! Here a little present.  
> Thank you all so much for the kudos! It is supporting and inspiring me a lot.  
> Oh, and next chapter will be the last.   
> I'll try to finish the story this year so I can think of another one for the upcoming one.  
> Enjoy your day!

Silence. Absolute Silence.  
Law was incapable to move an inch, his eyes wide opened. His breathing was irregular, his hands, his lips, and his whole body frantically shook. He felt as if someone had deprived him of the power of his body, the power to breathe the air, the control of his emotions, everything.  
His gaze was fixed to the opposite wall, where he had thrown his phone against and shattered it into individual parts. Drained out he sank onto his knees, hugging himself, his fingers boring into his flesh. 

All his fury was gone, vanished only to be replaced by his never ending sorrow. His eyes began to burn again when his pain returned in full force, tears slipping uncontrollably down on his cheeks. He sobbed and stared at the ceiling. His whole soul was bathed in a lake of unimaginable pain, where he yearned for him, ached to be able to touch him one last time, but his too far crushed heart knew; knew it would not be possible. Not anymore.

His face was wet from tears, his eyes finally was unable to cry, before he leaned in the direction of the individual parts of his phone. Too much had happened, too much was on his mind so that he could barely remember what reality was and what existed only in his head. His eyes, reflecting only emptiness, rested on the remains of the electronic device.

Another wave of pain swept through him, throbbing against his soul vigorously, just as he tried to hide his face down into his arms. And then he had enough. He was sick of it, tired of the feeling not to be able to have his life in control, tired being pushed around by his feelings, tired of his suffering. A weak and uncertain radiating smile covered his lips. If he wanted to defeat his greatest fear, he knew he had to face it. “Kidd …,” he whispered softly, his body succumbed to the painful tension that took over again. 

With effort he heaved himself to his feet, his hand grabbing the edge of the cupboard, trying to support him, mobilizing the strength that he had left. His empty eyes kept on the floor in front of him, seeing Kidd's face over and over again. “See? I have to ... If I really want to live again ... Even if it is going to tear me apart …,” he spoke tearfully to himself, his words accompanied with an unpleasant shiver down his spine at the thought of the actual confrontation.

His breathing became heavier the more he struggled to get on his feet, but on the other hand there was something that refused with all its might to fall back to the ground. He felt powerless, not able to be deal with the load he carried around for so long. Law did not know what it was, what was fighting against his sorrow; against the cold and the depression causing pain, but frankly he did not care, he just knew that it was a force that always brought him back up, helping him to escape the ground. The breath that was ejected from his lungs was getting even more difficult and sluggish the closer he got to his goal. Despite his physical condition he finally managed his feet to touch the ground, his legs, albeit shaky, standing in an upright position.

A single bead of sweat ran down from his forehead to his cheek, ending at the chin, where it dripped down on the floor eventually. He did it; managed to move out of his gloomy attitude, even if it was just for a while. If he was able to rise with his own strength, escaping the crushing depression, which seemed to increase with each passing day, he may be able to face the cause of it. 

He took a few deep breaths to gather enough energy, before he approached the kitchen table. If he was not mistaken it was on the small piece of paper, still lying in between the paper mess. With a fierce beating heart, he took his last reserve of his body to toddle unsteadily to the table, which suddenly seemed too far away. Every movement he carried out, trembling, excited, barely catching up, got him into danger to fall prey of the floor. 

'C'mon Law ... Just these steps …,' he pushed himself and finally was able to reach the table. At the end of his strength he sank on one of the chairs, putting his head on the surface, one hand hold to his throat, his lungs breathing in and out rapidly. Other people would hardly have to use such a force in order to get where he wanted to go, but they did not have the same problems as him ...

With a slow movement he grabbed the small piece of paper of the table and examined it almost analytically for the address that was written in the bottom left corner of the note. With the perfect numbers in his memory, he stood up.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is the last chapter!  
> All your kudos and comment(s) have been supporting me unbelievable much!  
> Thank you all so much for reading!  
> Happy new year everyone!

Not a single joyous sentiment shoot up in his belly, instead there was a forever-increasing anxiety that spread like poison in his stomach. A question similarly to a mantra crossed his mind while he drove his car in one of the many parking spots. After he parked and turned off the car, his gaze lingered out of the window, up at the imposing gate.

At its sight his fingers clawed into the soft leather of the steering wheel. He was scared, had a greater panic than he had previously thought he would and now he did not want anything but to just go back; back to his comport zone, away from this place. He wanted to make a run, get off on the spot and run to the single place he knew was safe but he resisted. Instead he slid his hands to the car door, grabbing the handle and with trembling and sweaty fingers he finally pushed the door open. Hesitant and shaky he got out of the car, closing it conclusively before he was able to decide differently.

The pain in his chest grew, screaming each time he made a step in the direction of his greatest fear. He was scared, so afraid that again tears were able to make it up, gathering in his eyes. He was sick of it; so sick that he had to listen to this pain, this torture that was left behind, haunting him each time he thought back to the image of the past. With a trembling hand he pushed the gate open. 

He swallowed. The fear gnawed incessantly on Laws soul, settled in him. He had to order his legs with all his might to move on, to get closer. With each step the weight of his panic grew but he refused to take any steps back. He was already broken, why not continue to sink down into the darkness? He did not know how long he was walking along the path, through the white gold, embraced by the frozen air, before he finally saw it. 

Laws body set into a semi-solid state, his eyes graced with a blank look, his gaze turned to the ground. His wounds burned as strong as ever, and the holes in his chest tore further open. The ascending tears burned in his eyes, calling for freedom, but only one managed to fight its way out, sliding down his cheek. He tried to hide the sobbing and pressed his lips together. In him there was an unholy chaos that he absolutely could not organize in his state; simply lacked the necessary strength. 

“No,” Law choked out, barely a whisper escaping past his tight throat. It wasn’t real.  
He couldn’t accept what was right in front of his face, wouldn’t. It was too … unreal. It wasn’t real. He closed his eyes tightly, tried to not expel his lungs in his unadulterated panic, breathing so hard he might be able to wake the dead, dead ... and then he really lost it. He felt himself slipping into a full-blown anxiety attack, and, really, who could blame him, after… 

It wasn’t real, it wasn’t happening. It wasn’t real.  
He used that as a mantra, as if repeating it over and over would make it true. He continued to shake with complete disbelief, horror, as the world around him began to take some kind of indistinct shape. The edges were fuzzy. He still couldn’t quite wrap his brain around any of it, thought he would lose it again if he did. He refused to believe it was anything but an illusion, maybe a dream. 

He pinched himself. That was supposed to work. He couldn’t even feel it, so that meant it wasn’t real. He wanted for it to all be a figment, so for several minutes (hours, days, a week) he retreated into a mental huddle. He had to. If he wanted to survive this, it could not really be happening. That was his truth. Some things were simply not survivable, and this was absolutely one of them. 

Slowly he leaned forward, his head gently rested on the marble, his hands touched and stroke over the cold stone, shoving the cold snow away, until his fingers felt the name that was carved into the grave. Eustass Kid.

He took several deep breaths, surprised there was still enough air to make it into his lungs.  
Not that it mattered anymore anyway. There was only that darkness, thick and so invasive now it felt like he had absorbed it into himself.  
He curled further in on himself out of pure self-preservation. It took him some time, after those first moments of the worst panic to realize he was alone. He was gibbering wreck and alone, trapped in his own head. 

The unnecessary reminder of his confinement set off another bout of panic, the rush of blood in his ears loud as a waterfall. Trapped. Alone. Kidd was gone and it was just him. Always alone, in the end. He wanted to push against the walls in his heads, make them expand, but they were immovable. The only thing was, every time he closed his eyes for a second, when he opened them again the fictive walls were closer and the space darker. He couldn’t breathe.

The loop he was in, he couldn’t get out. He didn’t know what was real. Nothing. Everything. He didn’t know who was on second and he should, he really should have all of this down. He should, but he didn’t know how. Maybe, maybe it was that he didn’t know exactly where he was. The specifics wouldn’t help, though. He knew they wouldn’t. That he was alone in the inky black unknown was all there was. How much was one person supposed to be able to take? He blinked again, and it was the same. Different, same. In the dark, all alone, there was no distinction. 

***

He had lost all sense of time and direction. He did not know how long lied there, curled in a ball; the sensations of time went on forever and happened in a blink. It all felt exactly the same to him. It didn’t matter anymore. There was a certain consistency to everything when there was only blackness inside and out. He’d felt that depressive sameness before, only now he couldn’t bring himself to whistle in the dark; he knew what the outcome was going to be and was prepared for it.

He felt himself going numb, he could feel the darkness taking hold of him. His breathing was slow, lighter than it was before. He closed his eyes, feeling the frozen tears on his cheeks when a soft smile crept onto his lips. “Finally,” he breathed out, his voice a whisper in the night. The young man took his last conscious breath, before his small broken heart finally made its last beating.

Law never truly understood why he had let himself fall in love with this man but nevertheless he loved him all the same.


End file.
